Beautiful Disaster
by LillyOfTheValley
Summary: Hermione's point of view, reflections on a shattered Draco.


Dislaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter characters. The song is not mine and is performed by Kelly Clarkson.

My life changed the moment I found him on the doorstep of the Order's headquarters. He was battered and bruised, and the sight of him begging for protection as he coughed up blood made my heart split open. It took days for me to convince Harry to let him stay, but in the end he gave in. From that moment on Draco Malfoy was under Harry's protection.

The Draco of our Hogwarts days was still present in the occasional smirk or retort, but there was something else there. What he had been was hidden now by a deep and abiding pain and a fog of hatred. Then there were the dreams, the nightmares that would have him screaming for help; the screams we all ignored. Every night he would wake me up with screams, and every night that nobody went to him my heart broke a bit more.

_He drowns in his dreams_

_An exquisite extreme, I know_

_He's as damned as he seems_

_And more heaven than a heart could hold_

Lord knows I wanted to go to him, but I was afraid of what would happen if I did. I was terrified of losing everyone I loved because I aligned myself with him. I was terrified of him.

_And If I try to save him_

_My whole world would cave in_

_It just ain't right, but it just ain't right_

Despite it all, I was drawn to him, to the complicated mess of him. He was so broken in every way, and I wanted to be the one to fix him. I wanted to help him and be with him when he woke pleading for his life every night. He was disasterous, but so beautiful at the same time, but I didn't know if either of us could handle all that I wanted.

_Oh, and I don't know_

_I don't know what he's after_

_But he's so beautiful_

_He's such a beautiful disaster_

_And if I could hold on_

_Through the tears and the laughter_

_Lord, would it be beautiful_

_Or just a beautiful disaster_

He was damaged almost beyond repair, but he was still a wizard. At school I had never known how talented he was, but it quickly became apparent in such close quarters. Though he never spoke to anyone, he did his fair share, albeit grudgingly. Even with limited use of a wand it became apparent that he was incredibly talented with charms and spells, and of course with potions. It only made me want to help him more.

_He's magic and myth, he's strong as what I believe_

_A tragedy with more damage than a soul should see_

_But do I try to change him?_

_So hard not to blame him_

_Hold me tight, baby hold me tight_

Somewhere along the way I fell, and fell hard. It wasn't just about healing him any longer, it was about being with him, loving him, wanting to keep him for my own.

_Oh and I don't know_

_I don't know what he's after_

_But he's so beautiful_

_He's such a beautiful disaster_

_And if I could hold on _

_Through the tears and the laughter_

_Would it be beautiful?_

_Or just a beautiful disaster_

A year after he came to us the dreams hadn't stopped. One night I heard his cries as usual, but I couldn't stand by passively any longer. I went to him. When I walked into his room he was still sleeping, begging his father for his life. I felt a tear slip down my cheek as I walked towards the bed. His hair was clinging to his face and he tossed about as the dream appeared to worsen.

_I'm longing for love and the logical_

_But he's only happy, hysterical_

_I'm searching for some kind of a miracle_

_Waiting so long_

_I've waited so long_

I bent over and tried, to no avail, to wake him gently. I shook him hard and he sat bolt upright, striking out and barely missing me. When his eyes first landed on me they were unfocused and clouded with fear and tears. He slowly pulled himself out of the abyss and confusion replaced fear in the stormy grey eyes.

"What… what are you doing in here?"

I shook my head as tears fell freely from my eyes. "I want to help, please."

He shook his head, running his hands through his hair. "You shouldn't have come here."

"Please Draco, I need to help you. I've heard you every night for a year, screaming, sobbing, pleading to live."

His tears fell faster as I told him what I'd heard. "You don't understand."

"Help me understand, please Draco."

I reached out to him and he flinched as if he had been burned. "I don't know if you can," he whispered.

I reached out again. "Let me try."

His eyes met mine slowly and he nodded.

That night he told me his story, and I understood why he was so shattered. That night, unashamed, he let me hold him, let me try to heal him.

_He's soft to the touch_

_But frayed at the end, he breaks_

_He's never enough_

_And still he's more than I can take_

He's flawed, and still so broken, but he's trying. He's trying to heal, and he's trying to let me help him. He doesn't know that I love him. Somehow I think it might break him a bit more if he knew. I want so much more, but for now I can only be content to offer comfort and support, to let him grieve, to keep him from the nightmares.

_Oh, and I don't know_

_I don't know what he's after_

_But he's so beautiful_

_He's such a beautiful disaster_

_And if I could hold on_

_Through the tears and the laughter_

_Would it be beautiful_

_Or just a beautiful disaster_

I sometimes still wonder if I can handle it, the tumult of emotions he causes in me. In the end it doesn't matter. I've made my choice, and I chose him. Despite his broken soul and shattered heart, I chose him.

_He's beautiful_

_Lord, he's so beautiful_

_He's beautiful_


End file.
